Strategically Placed Hospitals Are Awesome
by broadwaypants
Summary: Journey: Wanked, in which lots of things are strategically placed, lots of things are ripped off of Sectionals, and Jesse St. James is super-spraying Armpit Man! Don't take any of it seriously.


_I can't believe I did this... This is what happens when you're a sarcastic cynic who isn't fooled by sappy dialogue and well-placed crying.

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It was a really long bus ride to Regionals. Because it was really far away. But nobody noticed because they were all really excited.

"Hey guys, look at that strategically placed hospital right next to the theatre," Rachel pointed out. "That won't come in handy at all!"

Quinn doubled over with a grimace on her face, but nobody noticed because they were so excited. Quinn decided it wasn't important and that nothing at all could possibly go wrong.

After putting on their we-totally-didn't-just-revamp-our-Sectionals-costumes costumes and struggling with six Bump-its, the also strategically placed speaker came to life. No, seriously, it came to life. It jumped onto the coffee table and started blowing raspberries and making faces and yelling, "Losers!" It continued to do this until Mr. Schuester - who was somehow allowed to go back and forth between the auditorium and backstage like a really rude crew member - came in and laid the smackdown on its metal ass.

"You guys are awesome and no strategically placed magical speaker is going to change that. Finn's dancing is awesome. Peace out, yo."

Then he left to creep backstage some more.

Bethizzle started banging on the walls of Quinn's uterus. This baby wanted out. Quinn ignored her some more.

Finn and Rachel went around to the back of the auditorium so they could surprise everyone. Kind of exactly like what they did at Sectionals, but nobody was going to notice that because there would be two of them that time. Which made it more awesome. Duh.

After Rachel told Finn that he should probably break a couple bones and Finn confessed his undying love, they came out and sang. They walked down the aisles very slowly and the spotlights probably blinded half the audience. Oh well. For whatever reason, they still had to run up onstage. Guess they hadn't measured the distance properly.

For reasons unbeknownst to everyone, the audience went crazy when the curtain went up and William Schuester's Island of Misfit Toys came into view. A lot of people from the show choir chat rooms were probably there. It's like Comic-Con for them or something. Quinn's mom managed to sneak in halfway through. She probably has creeping privileges like Mr. Schue. Speaking of whom, he's currently rocking out and making stupid faces offstage. He's silly.

Then they sang _Don't Stop Believin'_ and obviously nobody remembered that the Haverbrook School for the Deaf did that, because otherwise they would have been booed off the stage. Everyone just got really excited instead. Cool.

There was subsequent flipping out because of how awesome everything was going.

"Quinny!"

Yep, Quinn's mom definitely has creeping privileges.

"Oh hey mom."

Bethizzle realized that this was her shot, so she fired her squirt gun.

"Honey? Why are you standing in a puddle?"

The entirety of New Directions swarmed around Quinn and ran her to the hospital that was right next door.

"Let's hope Vocal Adrenaline does three really long songs," Mr. Schue said. "Then we can all get back in time for the results!"

Vocal Adrenaline did three really long songs, two of which were so awesome they could not be revealed to the greater public. Your eyes probably would have exploded and your face would have melted. Or something. Bohemian Rhapsody was cool, though. Quinn even yelled really weird things at strategic moments while giving birth so she was singing along. Guess she really likes them.

And thus, baby Bethizzle was born right as Jesse St. James's armpits exploded and showered the entire auditorium with his sweat. Nobody minded, though, because he's a rock star and it's really cool to have a rock star's body fluids rain on you. The lucky girl in the front row even got some blood on her from when Jesse yanked out the high-heel that had gotten stuck in his arm.

Rachel's psychic powers came back right at that moment, so she went to congratulate her mom on winning. Because apparently Shelby doesn't watch her kids perform, she skulks backstage in a dressing room with costumes that don't belong to anyone. Shelby, because she's observant like that, asked where the rest of the club was, so psychic Rachel told her that Quinn had just given birth to a beautiful baby girl. That important information isn't important at all to Miss I-really-want-a-baby Corcoran.

Then New Directions ran back to the theatre and got back onstage just in time for the results. None of them looked disheveled at all. They actually looked quite nice, not at all like they'd just sat in a hospital waiting room when they could have just waited over at the theatre.

Oral Intensity and their token male member and flapper knock-off costumes won second place somehow. Vocal Adrenaline won and there was much rejoicing.

New Directions started to look like sad puppies.

"Good job on the win, guys!" Miss Corcoran was shouting because Jesse's armpits were spraying everything again and they were making quite the racket. "I'm gonna go over to the strategically placed hospital and get myself a baby!"

So she did.


End file.
